to love is to destroy
by i live in the Nevernever
Summary: "Liar, liar, liar. You stole him. You knew, and you took him from me, you selfish bastard!" (Male/male, slash)


**(A/N) heyyyyy let's cut to the chase**

**this is AUish in that some events were changed to fit the story. for example, percy and annabeth were never together and were never romantically interested in each other, although they both did fall into tartarus. the same goes for jason and piper. it's too hard trying to figure out ways for couples that are madly in love in canon to break up and make it seem natural at the same time and keep the same characters from acting OOC and then you have to bring the other characters together and it's really hard okay**

**this is a one-sided(?) percico fic, with shitloads of jercy, as well as some implications of jasico. if you aren't a fan of slash or the previously mentioned couples, that's hella rad, but i don't give a rat's ass!**

* * *

_"I'm not much, but I'm all I have."_ -Philip K. Dick

* * *

Disgusting.

Was that an accurate enough word to describe the undeniably sickening feelings he held for someone he shouldn't? Because that's certainly how Nico di Angelo felt. Words couldn't begin to describe the intense revulsion he felt for himself, for feeling these things that he should not feel. Being a son of the god of the dead never promised him happiness or acceptance from his peers; this overwhelming desire for someone he could not have only added to the great and disorderly mess that was his life.

The truth was easiest told in an analogy: he could push the clutter and disarray that he was unenthusiastic about putting away under his bed or in the closet, but it would still be there; the pungent aroma of dirty laundry in need of washing and leftover dinner would persist until he couldn't bear it and he was forced admit his mistake and clean up after himself. It was a good comparison to the dire situation he had somehow wedged himself in, but he was adamant that he would never give in. It would compel him to face his major problem head-on, and he wouldn't do that even if his problem followed him and begged for his attention like a lost puppy.

He could acknowledge it and consider it, but there was no way he would ever feed its gaping maw of sharp teeth and promises of his downfall. He couldn't let his weaknesses get in the way of his strengths. He wouldn't let anyone know. Not even if they strapped him to a chair and attempted to pull it out of his mouth.

And it worked for a while. People were wholly convinced that all he felt for _him_ was unrestrained hatred, bolstered by a craving for vengeance that would never be achieved. In a way, it wasn't really a lie. He did hate him. He hated him more than anything, almost as much as Nico hated himself.

But it was the 'hatred' that only intensified his powerful feelings towards him. He was so perfectly flawed but so beautiful; it fascinated Nico to such an extent that he found himself thinking about him where he was completely irrelevant and in a manner that was inappropriate, to say the least. That would always result in various methods of self-punishment, but even as he tormented himself with the worst of castigations that his mind could conjure, he would still think about him, and he just couldn't ever stop. Eventually, his self-disciplining existed for the sole purpose of distracting.

Blue-green eyes that swirled and stormed like the treacherous seas. A sardonic smile that was infuriating yet endearing simultaneously. A slim body that was toned from years of running and training and fighting monsters. _Andhewasdoingitagaingodswhatwaswrongwithhim._

* * *

Tartarus was, as one would imagine, hellish. It was almost comical, how he had been lured to the fringes of the dark pit and sucked into the pit like Alice had chased the White Rabbit down the rabbit hole. He pondered the possibility of Tartarus being the bizarre land Alice had explored, not the whimsical and capricious Wonderland. Her 7-year-old mind couldn't have comprehended the revolting spectacles that he had witnessed in his time there. There was one common characteristic, however, that dawned on him as he ventured through the shadowy abyss, and he actually laughed as he thought of it (which was fitting, bearing in mind where he was and what the aforementioned similarity was); Alice Pleasance Liddell and Nico di Angelo were both mad.

Maybe Alice's Adventures in Wonderland was a fictional tale for children, but...

_What the hell am I thinking? How does that make any sense?_

* * *

He was standing forlorn in oblivion and in his mind's eye he saw nothing but him. He was sealed in a bronze jar and imprisoned, yet he never felt freer. Was this the bliss that he sought for so long, that he'd started to believe was unattainable?

The number of the seeds of Persephone dwindled.

* * *

He couldn't save them.

The daughter of Athena and the son of Poseidon had fallen into the endless chasm, leaving Nico with his thin hand outstretched and his lips poised in a piercing scream.

He could not save the boy he loved.

And he watched as they fell, wanting nothing more than to jump down and fall with them, despite how idiotic that seemed.

He would go through hell a thousand times if it meant being with him.

He never wished he could disappear as much as he did then.

_But if I disappeared, where would I go?_

* * *

Embarrassment wasn't enough to convey the emotions the surged inside of him as he struggled to contain them. His pale cheeks blossomed a bright cherry red and his face burned like a blazing fire, salty tears pricking his black eyes like needles that threatened to spill over, and he knew that if they did, they wouldn't stop. The god of love observed him with a malicious twinkle in his blood red eyes, and a triumphant smirk tugged at the corners of his lips. One would expect a god who was depicted as a young, (almost) innocent angel to at least resemble this representation of him, but that wasn't the case. His appearance was almost as harsh as his words.

_Why is he doing this to me?_

If the Fates had decreed this to happen, he didn't understand why the son of Jupiter had to watch as he fought his own – his _personal_ – demons. And here he was, his sky blue eyes wider than an owl's, clearly shocked at the groundbreaking revelation. If he hadn't been staring down the cruelest opponent he'd ever faced or confronting his innermost feelings that he'd hidden and suppressed for so long, he would've scoffed at the older demigod's expression of astonishment.

Nico had lied to himself, again. He was scared of the god of love. Terrified.

For a few swift moments, the angelic deity had gazed at Nico with a look that indicated sympathy, but he had never felt so…violated, if that was the correct term. It was as if he was a frog being dissected during a lab in a biology class, and the scientists were busy poking through his insides and figuring out what made him tick.

And like a soft whisper carried by the winds, the immortal child of Aphrodite had dissolved into nothing.

He wanted to do the same.

* * *

He was alive.

He was bloodied and bruised and visibly disturbed, but he had otherwise fared better than Nico, probably because the daughter of Athena had been there to keep him from doing anything rash. Nico had never been more grateful to her, regardless of past conflicts between the two. Nevertheless, he remained reserved when they both returned, making sure he was careful and guarded every time he was approached for fear of him accidentally revealing himself. At the very least, he should've been relieved that they were another step closer to defeating Gaea, but he couldn't summon the energy to feel anything but tired of it all.

The son of Jupiter (or Pretty Boy, as Nico secretly referred to him) was there, once in a while casting a short glance in Nico's direction, instigating conversations with him and trying extremely hard to get him to open up. His efforts were appreciated by Nico, although they were very annoying. Begrudgingly, Nico admitted to himself that he liked receiving attention from someone like him, but he was sure it did not stretch beyond that.

That was the one thing Nico was sure of in all of this uncontrolled chaos.

* * *

**(A/N) this was a sort of prologue-but-not-really chapter that i thought would introduce the story. the rest of the seven and the other demigods/characters will show up in the next chapter, because of what i said just now and if you aren't reading these author's notes well okay then**

**sayounara**


End file.
